There is a cult in many countries that has Christians believing a lie about forgiveness. This cult is most common in America. The ideology associated with this cult is that if someone offends you and hurts you severely; that you must forgive them and trust them as if they never hurt you. If you hesitate for a single moment, if you want to mourn and feel the depth of pain, you are accused of being unforgiving.
The concept that forgiveness and trust are one in same is flawed doctrine. Forgiveness is to set the party who has been wounded free from bitterness, resentment, and a grudge. But it does not "condone sin", nor does it mean stay with the party that did the hurting. St. Paul actually warns against certain people, even so called Christians he says keep away from! Here is what the Apostle said, "Be diligent to come to me quickly; for Demas has forsaken me, having loved this present world and has departed for Thessalonica-Crescens and for Galatia. Alexander the Coppersmith did me much harm. May the Lord repay him according to his works You also must beware of him, for he has greatly resisted our words.." (2 Timothy 4:9-10,14-15). St. Paul is obviously warning the Churches in Galatia and Thessalonica that Demas has fallen away and to beware of Him. One could argue that Paul is actually cursing the Coppersmith, who did him great harm. In the very least, Paul is asking the Lord to in act righteous punishment on Alexander for his wicked ways.
Forgiveness is a gift. We forgive because the Lord commands it. He said, "Forgive so that your Father in heaven may forgive you." (Matthew 6:14-15). All men are fallible and capable of doing harm. But we are not required upon forgiving to trust those who have harmed us or even spend time with them. This is where the church has gotten it wrong. Forgiveness has been likened to fixing everything and saying that trust is restored and thus go on like it was before trust was broken. This is impossible for people who have been terribly abused and frankly the Word of God says nothing about trust and forgiveness being one. Rather forgiveness is to set us free from those people who have hurt us and it can set them free. But that does not mean we should spend time with the abusers and users.
There are scenarios where you will have to be in perpetual forgiveness! For that person will always cause you harm and abuse. The answer is to forgive and forsake them! As St. Paul mentions to Timothy and whoever else his letter circulated to regarding Demas and Alexander The Coppersmith. T.D. Jakes said something once that I agree with. He said, "If someone steps on your foot you forgive them, but if everytime you get with them they step on your foot, then you need to remove your foot and stop receiving the insult." T.D. Jakes is right! He is talking about the true meaning of turn the other cheek! When Jesus said, "turn the other cheek," he did not mean let yourself be smacked again. In Jewish custom you smote someone with the back of your hand in fashion: your finger made a wing with the tips and nails pointed towards your eyes, you then could smack the right cheek, but if you turned the cheek, then it would miss because your face would be out of range. So what Jesus was really saying was remove yourself from the abuse.
It is important to forgive, but also important to distance ourselves from those that will not let us maintain our forgiveness! The truth is that forgiving may mean having to remove yourself from their life, so that you can stay forgiving and not be wounded again and thus have to start the process all over again! Remember that forgiveness does not mean restoring trust or that you should be intimate and vulnerable with that person again. No, forgiveness is a shield against bitterness, hate, grudges, and from making that hurtful person the focus of your life! Have you ever noticed that the more someone hates another person, the more they become like them? This is why we must forgive or else our desire for revenge or keeping resentful heart will lead us to being like the person who hurt us! That is why we are suppose to forgive, not be codependent and stay close to an abuser!
In the right circumstances, when you forgive someone they feel set free and tears will come from their eyes. They like us who once were sinners in the sight of God, are not liberated from our burden. But this is not the case for everyone and contrition sadly is not what we will often seen. Forgiveness often works one sided, in that is sets us, the person forgiving free of the bitterness and resentment. It would be glorious if the other person feels set free from their horrible deed, but if they feel no remorse, it is unlikely they will care if you forgave them or not. That is why forgiveness is for us, for the Follower of Christ, so that we may like Christ give what others do not deserve. We could hold it against those who hurt us, but that would condemn us. Remember that forgiving does not equate with fellowshipping; you are not require to stay friends or in close fondness with that person anymore. They have broken trust and to earn trust again requires them to work to get it back, which starts with contrition and sincere remorse. But there are offenses that can never be undone and trust cannot be regained. In these cases, you must commend that person to the Lord and forgive and keep away from them.
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