Answering Abuse

If you have grown up with an abusive parent, sibling, or even friends, let me say that you did not deserve or merit such pain. Abuse is an unfortunate cancer and parasite of life. It comes in many forms: physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, and even spiritual. The recipient of any of these is left feeling literally scared and scorched. The problem with abuse is not stopping the abuser. An abuser will never cease being abusing unless they decide they are abusive and go to a program to get help. Abuse is not solitary. It does not just stay in the abuser. Like a parasite or symbiote, it passes to the abused and tries to find more victims to feed on. This antagonist will turn an amiable and kind person into the abuser who harmed them in the first place.

Most victims of abuse will recite the line "I will never do what you did, or I will never say that to my children." This is the first seed to becoming the inheritor and next generation of abusers. Defiance to this sinister cancer feeds it. Your resolve to be strong and never repeat the abuse will fail and you find yourself quickly falling into the same pattern as the person who abused you. Think of abuse as an adaptive plague. It changes how it infect by how it is resisted. If you choose to be cold and reject the person who abused you and hate them; abuse has already won. By being cold and cruel back, you are abusive. You may argue, they deserve it! An eye for an eye! They must be punished for what they have done. Yes, consequences should come to those who tare at your body, mind, and soul. However, you should not be the sole arbiter and judge. If it is sexual abuse, you should testify in court what was done to you. But then you should forgive (for your sake, not theirs) and let the judge and jury decide what becomes of the abuser.

Bitterness is one of abuse's primary means of entering a person. The adage "hurt people hurt people," is something an abused person should understand. This does not excuse what they did or make it right. No, you have a right to be angry and to even file charges. However, you must guard yourself against bitterness lest it allow you to become abusive back and then you are no longer a victim or innocent, but the same as them. It is not enough to let the Law convict the abuser, you must resolve to not become an abuser. Otherwise, you too should be judged.

Physical and Sexual Abuse tend to get more empathy and the process of vindicating the victim comes more easily. It is hard to hide the bruises and the emotional scaring of physical and sexual abuse. Thus most abused persons of these kind end up having outside involvement help them get free and healed. True, there are some who are ashamed and will not admit their husband or wife beat them. They intend to stay with the abuser and let their low self esteem tape tell them they deserve no better. Then there is the girl and even guy who was molested or raped who will not reveal that a relative or friend did this to them out of fear. For such people, I urge you to do what you fear or else you will remain a victim and next time your very life may be in the balance.

Emotional Abuse is a very common and sinister form of abuse. The scars are not on the skin, nor are there evident in the genital region. Emotional abuse can come from anyone: family, friends, and even strangers. It's primary form is words that demean, belittle, condemn, and cause crazy making. Emotional Abuser play their victims like fiddles, using words and their own emotions to cause those they abuse to be dominated and oppressed. Emotional abuse is hard to prove, because many emotional abusers are the sweetest and kindness people in public. They hide behind their jovial mask and make everyone, even other family members believe that the victim is lying about the abuse. Emotional Abuser tend be masters and even geniuses in that they can sway people to believe them easily. They have supernatural power to make the abused unable to get empathy and help from others. With emotional abusers the only two courses of action are to separate geographically and minimize contact, or for the abuser to admit guilt and get help and rehab.

Verbal Abuse is the cousin of Emotional Abuse. In fact, they tend to work together. The only difference is that Verbal Abuse is in every single human being and is practiced by everyone. Not everyone can manipulate emotions like a maestro or give a good show to make themselves look good like an Emotional Abuser. Verbal abuse is any word that has the intend of hurting someone else in a vindictive manner. You may know a boss who harps on their employees, this is a verbal abuse. You may gossip about a friend behind their back, this is verbal abuse despite that the person is not there to hear the words, they are still effected by the words via their reputation and the atmosphere it creates at work and elsewhere. Verbal abuse is the one form of abuse we are all guilty of and frankly there is no complete cure. It will be battle tell our last breath to not verbally abuse someone. A sub category of Verbal Abuse is Written Abuse which includes writing abusive letters, texts, posts, and other typed forms.

Spiritual Abuse is the least talked about form of abuse. Most people are not familiar with spiritual abuse, though it is rampant in all cultures. Any time a priest, pastor, rabbi, or other religious leader make you feel shamed or stupid for your views is spiritual abuse. When religious leaders via emotional manipulation convince you to tithe to their great cause or be condemned by God and the saints, this is spiritual abuse. If a Pastor tells you "he hears God better than you," this is spiritual abuse. When a spiritual leader tells you to live with abuse or to accept sexual abuse because you must just forgive them; just love them, this is spiritual abuse. If a religious leader compels you to act against your conscience and tries to control you, this is spiritual abuse. When a fellow Christian or religious person uses Scripture to condemn and attack you, this is spiritual abuse. Spiritual abuse is the silent sleeper of abuse, because most people cannot identify it. The reason is they do not except to find abuse in the Church or Synagogue. They expect holy men to be holy and thus act like God. This actually gives a Spiritual Abuser a perfect shield and ability to abuse with impunity. They need not worry about being caught or convicted for their crime, because they are "holy" and infallible.

Abuse was born the day Adam and Eve rebelled in Eden. It like contagion infected Cain and has since found hosts in every century. The only means for folly combating their disease of the heart is through Jesus Christ. Jesus faced the epitome of abuse in all its forms (save probably sexual). He was emotionally abused by his family who called him crazy (only Mary and later James believed he was God). He was spiritually abused constantly by the Pharisee and Sadducee. Jesus was abused physically most obviously at the flogging and crucifixion. The Son of God is no stranger to abuse and so he understands how we feel. He is the source of salvation from this strain of cancer. He can change our hearts and stop the cycle of abuse if we let him inside to do surgery. The trick to ending abuse is not found in a program alone or in boundaries; these are important and worthy, but they fail without Christ. You must let Jesus nail your bitterness, hurt, pain, and brokenness to the cross. Only the Lord can lift the weight in your soul and slice up the abusive sickness that surges through your heart.

You can resolve all you want. You can seek out programs and practice affirmations, but without Christ you will fail. The abuse will adapt and find another way to hold your captive. The only thing abuse cannot win against is Jesus. Abuse ravaged his body and tore at his soul.  You may be thinking, well I am not an abuser! I was abused. Well the truth is that you were and are an abuser. We all abused Jesus Christ with our sin. Because of our rebellion God himself had to crushed and crucified on a cross. It was our wickedness that filleted his flesh, drove in the nails, and crowned him with thorns. We are all guilty of the abuse done to our Lord and Savior and yet he said "Forgive them, for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34). What true statement about abuser. They really do not know what they do. They cannot fathom the pain they have inflicted or the harm they have done. Make no mistake, this is not an excuse for the abuser to have free range to keep hurting people, on the contrary it is a call to stop abusing and receive God's forgiveness and now sow the love Jesus had for us in others.

There is a stern warning for those who continue to abuse when they have received Christ. Jesus said, "if I find you drinking with the drunkards and abusing the servants, you shall be judged." (Matthew 24:49). In this case Jesus is not dealing with people who want or will change. These believers that keep on abusing have not be transformed by the Gospel from inside and thus are hypocrites and worse than unbelievers. They add the spiritual abuse element to their other abuses, because they pretend to be good Christians when in reality they are revilers. If you are an abuser, than go to the cross, repent, and let God transform you inside through forgiveness. If you are abused, do the same and allow Christ to teach you to forgive others so that you may be forgiven. Remember we are all capable of abuse and that we all actually have abused someone in one form or another. If one unkind and mean word leaves our mouths, that is verbal abuse. If your situation is toxic in any of the different kinds of abuse, I recommend as a certified counselor that you seek help in the form of legal help (lawyer), mental health (Christian councilor or Christian psychologist), and pastoral help. You need to have boundaries and for those under radical abuse like physical, sexual, and intense emotional abuse, you need geographic distance; you need to get away from the abuser.

Remember that no matter your circumstance, Christ is with you and has experienced a major share of what you have gone through. He intercedes and prays for you daily. Take your broken and scared heart to the Savior and let him begin the process of healing.