Tips to Finding the Right Person

Christian Orthodox Woman Praying

In today's culture many Christians are finding their soul mates on matchmaking sites like Christian Mingle, eHarmony.com, and other sites. While I applaud the use of technology as means to connect Christians and even potentially two soul mates, there are some tips that I wish to share when searching for a significant other.

The first thing to look for in significant other or potential spouse is prayer. Do they pray and do they pray often? I do not speak of some ritualized prayer or what Jesus condemned and called "prayer by rote, lengthy prayers that are same and for religious reasons." (). No I talking about deep, personal prayer between this person and the Prince of Peace. Make sure that the person you are interested in romantically is really close to Jesus Christ and that they talk (pray) to Him often.

The second important thing to look for in significant other or potential spouse is passion. I am not speaking of the chemical reaction, but rather their passions. Do you love to travel? If you do, make sure that this person also loves to travel. They say, "opposites attract, but compatibility lasts." Make sure to choose someone who wants to partner with you in same activities, interests, and passions. An example, if you are missionary, make sure to marry someone who wants to be involved in missions and even make sure they want to go abroad and not just to close neighboring country if you intend to go to far reaches of the world to reach people for the Gospel.

The third important thing is expectations. What does the person you are considering for courtship and marriage expect out of life? This is different from passion, because expectations are more lasting like dreams and long term desires. Passions can be long term, but they tend to be active already; like I have passion to paint or a passion for movies and thus go to the theaters. Expectations are often not yet met and so it is important to know what this person expects, are you marrying a wife who expects the two story house, four kids, fuel efficient car and white picket fence? Are you marrying the husband who wants to live like hermit or traveling priest who wants to go through life with only backpack, walking stick, and a few possessions. Often a couple that is considering courtship and matrimony have expectations and they will often hide some of them and hope that in time their husband or wife will understand and oblige them; but this is folly! Because if two people get together and one wants "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and the other wants "Breakfast at Timber mill," there is bound to be trouble for marriage.

Fourthly create a long term plan for your life together. This includes college, career, children, causes, and coffers (finances). It is alright to deviate from the plan once the marriage ship is fully sailed, but it helps to have plan so that there is something to stir by. But both of you, husband and wife must agree on it. Spontaneity should stay in the relationship, but make sure to have something concrete, an anchor to throw down in middle of the storms in this life. When putting the plan together pray. This goes back to the first thing, make sure to invite the Lord and Holy Spirit into your decision making or else like the Disciples on the Sea of Galilee, you will find yourself sinking.

The Fifth important thing is to see if you meet each others needs. Obviously some of your needs like sexual libido and etc. cannot be tested before marriage, but you can talk about it. If for example a man has strong libido but the women he is courting has low libido or even had sexual abuse and trauma from her past that makes her afraid of intimacy, then the man should know and if the roles are reversed and the man is skittish about sex because of past trauma, the lady needs to know. Too many marriages suffer because the needs list is never spoken of before getting married! Another example is dinner, does the man expect his wife to serve a more traditional role and cook? Some women would love to do this, I know some sweet Indian Christian ladies from India who love to cook for their husbands, its just part of something they enjoy doing, but a more progressive and feminist woman may take issue with being tied down to the role of cook every night and feel resentful. Now the feminist is not wrong, doesn't let politics eschew what I just said, a feminist has a right to live the way they want, but that should be known to the person considering marriage to them.

The Sixth important thing to find out before tying the knot is politics. I did not bring up religion, because I am Christian, I am writing this blog post for Christians who are dating, courting, and considering  marriage. So religion should already be established as Christian. However, let us examine that for a moment. Can two Christians be unevenly yoked? Yes. Lets take for example a Roman Catholic and Charismatic Pentecostal. They both love Jesus and each other, but how they relate to God, their spiritual priorities, and how they will raise children will be different. Some can make this work, but for others it can be damaging. If both the Catholic and Charismatic have mutually close relationship with Christ and merely go to different churches because makes them learn, feel closer, and connect better to God, then there is no problem for the marriage. Billy Graham and His wife do not attend the same Church. However, if a seasoned Christian marries a newly converted Christian there can be major problems. In fact, I have witnessed that is often doesn't work, because the new Christian ends up leaning too much on Seasoned Christian. Back to politics or should I say Civil politics, what was just looked at was Church (Christian) politics. It is not impossible for Conservative and Liberal to make a marriage work. But disagreements will be often, especially if politics come up. For one couple this can spell disaster, with the marriage ending over the mean spirited fights. But for another marriage it can be marvelous! The tension and different views can instead of tearing the marriage apart, make it more exciting and even act as form of attraction. Only by discussing your views and assessing if you can handle the differences forever, will you be able to make a wise decision.

Finally, and arguably one of the most important things to do is communicate. This should be happening prior to marriage and become dominate during the marriage. Communication is the number one problem with marriages, a close second is money. It is important to not bottle up, let fester, or hide things from a spouse. This starts with dating. If you are creating a façade and lying now, you will later. The pattern of falsehood is often common in relationships that seek courtship and then marriage. The two people hide flaws and try to emphasize their strengths. A man may keep his apartment well kept during the dating and courting phase, but then when married show his true colors and have stacks of towels, socks, and stinky clothes everywhere. It is important to be honest up front and not pretend to be something you are not. Let your significant other know your weaknesses now before the wedding day and remind them in your puppy dog love phase that while it may be cute right now, later it will be a constant irritation.

I want to add a bonus tip, when dating and courting, make a rule as Christian to never have your date or fiancée at your home, apartment, or room alone. This goes both ways. If you are lady, don't invite him up. If you are knight in shining armor do not invite her up. It doesn't matter if it is daytime or nighttime, do not allow yourself to be alone with each other in place where passion (hormone) can be protected and you can end up stumbling. Premarital sex has not only be proven to be the harbinger of death of marriage, statistics say 85% marriages where the two waited tell marriage to have sex with each other survive and do not end in divorce, while 90% of marriages where there was premarital sex between partners end in divorce! So don't just think this warning comes from Old Testament preaching or that it doesn't apply to you! Wait and avoid going to places where you will both be tempted.