Controllers and Caregivers

There are only two types of people in this world: controllers and caregivers. Controllers seek to dominate, manipulate, and enforce their will over others. They seek to maintain their equilibrium of happiness at the expense of their friends, family, and fellow co-workers. Caregivers in contrast seek to serve through facilitating, networking, and enabling a collective will or collaborative desire. Caregivers seek to create an equilibrium for the whole, for everyone including themselves. They are servants instead of slave drivers, but they are not co-dependent. Caregivers are interdependent, meaning they depend on others but also maintain their independence. They don't become a drone to the desires of others and they don't dominate people with their desires.

In every family you will find controllers and caregivers. The Controllers tend to be very fit and can display a competence that compels outsiders to see them as role models. However, the secret that society doesn't see in a controller is how they treat their caregiving members of their family and how they behave when things don't go their way. Caregivers in a controlling family tend to evolve into co-dependents. They essentially become slaves to the controllers and they tend to be overweight and depressed. Co-dependent caregivers gain weight or other health problems because emotionally they are being abused by the controller. They don't have their own voice anymore, they shirk from opining about how they really feel or what they really think because they fear it will set the controller off into a tirade.

Co-dependent caregivers tend to fall into the opposite paradigm of pride. They fall into self pity, feeling unworthy of getting what they want and doomed to spend the rest of their days as a second class citzen. The controller by contrast tends to fall into the haughty and overbearing form of pride. Controllers think everything is blissful because their world or environment is fitting into their wants and wishes. Signs that someone is a controller are: irritable when things don't go their way, verbally abusive (screaming) when someone voices a different point of view than what think or speaks up that they don't want to do what the controller wants, manipulates or beguiles people into doing something without discussing it, an example would be saying that they will call to confirm a meeting for coffee and when they arrive at the café they didn't call or they don't show and say they wanted to go somewhere else and are waiting at the new location. Another sign of controller is that they expect other people to read their mind and plan accordingly. Controllers tend to not communicate. They just surmise everyone will read through osmosis what they want and do it. Controllers also employ guilt. If they didn't like an experience like going to movie, they will complain after having been silent for the whole film that they hated it, shouldn't' have gone to see it or spent the money on tickets. They knowing the other party loved the movie, will devour all the delight with their words.

Caregivers tend to be catalysts. They see needs and work to innovate and make those needs more manageable. Caregivers are very courageous and speak their minds. They can agree to disagree and still partner to get a job or activity done. Caregivers look for a collective way of addressing problems. They seek to use every gift and person available to tend to the project, event, or experience. Caregivers adopt what I call the Roundtable philosophy; they believe everyone should be consulted; that each person should feel free to communicate their perspective or idea, and that the thoughts of every person at the table should be gathered and kept as answers to the problem. Caregivers are independent of mind, they are individuals, but they believe in the team. Caregivers don't ignore their wants, wishes, or needs. But they do weight them with introspection and consider balancing them with the wants, wishes, and needs of the community. They are leaders, but they are servant leaders. They balance making decisions on their own and with others. Caregivers build people up. They are encouragers and they endeavor to facilitate the dreams of everyone. Caregivers know when to be sensitive to others, if they see a film they don't like and are with someone who did like the movie, they will voice their opinion but in a gentle and genial way. They will listen to why their friend liked the film and be happy for that person and encourage them that it is perfectly fine for them to have enjoyed the movie.

Controllers cause chaos. Controllers try to keep everyone in state of perpetual anxiety. The term used by psychologists is "walking on eggshells." Since controllers act so biopolar in their emotions, the friends and family are left on edge waiting for them to explode in a verbal and sometimes physical tirade. It is these edgy feelings that make caregiving relatives or relationships suffer from oppression and unwilling to step out of the chaotic rollercoaster.

Caregivers bring peace. Caregivers try to keep everyone in a state of consistent understanding. They try to help each person feel valuable and important. Caregivers do not have erratic emotions. They endeavor to keep those around them in state of security and stability. They don't repress their emotions, they merely filter them through conversation. A caregiver does not just smile and endure cruelty from others. A caregiver will confront, but from a place of caring that the other person has an epiphany of their bad behavior, not because they want to dominate the other person's personality. If a caregiver's confrontation is ignored, he or she then discreetly can decide to not associate with that person in their obstinacy.

Then there is the clash between a controller and caregiver. It inevitably will happen. This world is 50/50, so if you are a caregiver you will have to deal with controllers. Having detailed the differences it seems like it is impossible for the two to coexist. It's like having Superman and General Zod trying to work in harmony. Caregivers if under the supervision of a controller, say in the workforce, must learn how to focus on helping the company as a whole. Rather than focus on the confrontation, a caregiver should coalesce with co-workers; work towards making sure everyone is part of the solution to a problem and involved in the work at hand. In time the caregiver will receive his or her due reward and if not the respect of co-workers. I won't promise that the caregiver will defeat the controlling boss. However, winning is a matter of perspective. A caregiver wins against a controller by not changing their behavior and by continuing to serve others instead of waging war with the controller. The controller is victorious if the caregiver ceases to care about others and give of themselves to help the whole. A caregiver under a controller must maintain their identity and not become a slave to self pity. In the reverse scenario, if a controller is under the supervision or leadership of a caregiver it becomes more precarious. A caregiver must continue to honor the perspectives and opinions of the controller as part of the team, but without letting the controller take over and enforce their will via micromanaging and delegation. A caregiver must keep a controller in check, but somehow manage to let the good qualities and gifts of the controller to move freely. The caregiver doesn't silence the controller, lest he become a controller. However, in some cases a caregiver might have to remove the controller for the good of the entire company or community.

What happens to the controller who wants to become caregiver; who say wants to reform their ways? It requires counseling with a licensed Christian Counselor. Letting go of control requires accountability and someone who isn't a family or friend. It is necessary to have a neutral party helping the controller purge their negative behavior. Controllers have been use to having things their way and so teaching them to be caregivers and to care about the needs of others requires reinforcement and consistent counseling. Most importantly, controllers need Christ. A counselor works on the outside, such as behavior and the fruit of actions. But to change the thinking process from selfish to selfless require God's hand. A counselor can help address issues of hurt and generational behavioral patterns, but to change the inner soul requires The Savior of the World. Christ and a counselor are the answer to a controller wanting to change.

It's important to examine ourselves closely. Everyone has little bit of control inside them. That is the part of us known as the Flesh. We want it our way and that is normal. Learning to change our thinking or subduing the desire to dominate others and to make life revolve around us requires God's Grace. As humans, we will make mistakes. A perfect caregiver will at some point control. The point is to recognize the weakness and seek God's help in keeping the controlling nature at bay. The difference between a controller and a caregiver is the desire to keep this weakness in check. The controller gives in and allows their desires to dominate others, while caregivers analysis their desires and sees how they can assist others. Some controllers don't dominate or oppress people with their will all the time. Sometimes it is merely bouts or every so often that they rear their head and like a bull snort and make those around them tremble. In the end each person must decide if they will control or care for their fellow human beings. Satan is the ultimate controller. He wants people to be so selfish and self centered that they are unable to be the "servants of all." After all the Devil's five declarations were controlling words, "I will exalt my throne above the stars of God; and I will sit upon the mount of congregation, in the uttermost parts of the north;
I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High." (Isaiah 14:13-14). In fact it was control that Satan offered Jesus in the Wilderness in the form of the Kingdoms of This World. In direct contrast Christ calls us to be caregivers (servants). Christ said, "the first will be last and last will be first, Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all." (Mark 9:35). It is by caring for others that we become more like Christ and open the eyes of the lost to the Savior who so didn't want to control us, that he died to satisfy our sin and insecurity (regarding God's love for us, how can you doubt someone loving you when they died for you). God is so not a controller that he gave man free will and even placed the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil in Eden so that mankind via Adam and Eve could decide if they would obey or disobey God. It was controllers that crucified Christ on the cross. The Romans were Empire that subdued other nations to their will and rule. The Pharisees and Sadducees were religious controllers who were threatened by Jesus and his message of caring about what God wants (not what man wants) and caring for others; "Love the Lord your God will all your heart, mind and soul; love your neighbor as yourself." (Luke 10:27)

Notice in the picture at the beginning of this post that Satan is an angry creature (remember the controller's mean and angry nature?) who is pointing down to indicate that Christ should bow and submit to his control. Jesus however with his hands is gesturing in none controlling manner. Christ was the ultimate caregiver. He sought to fulfill the physical needs of man with miracles, the intellectual needs with his sermons and teaching and finally the spiritual through his death and resurrection which saved man's soul and made he capable of serving God in righteousness.

To put it succinctly, to be a controller is to be pawn of Satan, to be a caregiver is to be a disciple of Christ.